Don Baird: Asteroid

Asteroid

I just heard on the news today that there is a great big, I mean huge, asteroid hurtling through the galaxy towards the earth at a rapid rate that could cause massive damage to the planet and it's atmosphere. This threat from outer space could have a catastrophic effect to the planet similar to what supposedly took place 64 million years ago according to the scientifically popular theory called The Big Bang, which killed the dinosaurs and started the ice age, wiping out all forms of life on our happy little orb. This unforeseen enemy from beyond wound up at the top of the news hour on all the major networks, prompting the inhabitants of the world to forget all those other trivial things momentarily, like who sucks Clinton's cock, what really happened in that Paris Tunnel, the global outbreak of TB, the Middle East situation, missing children, Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson, PuertoRico as the 51'st state, Oscar night, the Tobacco Industry, how HMO's are killing people, and whether Ellen will be cancelled or not, and take a look at the bigger picture, the one at the top of the news hour, the issue that takes precedence over all else, and that news is, EXTRA! EXTRA! you are warned by the main authorities that essentially ARMAGEDDON is heading our way at top speed...sort of. How many religious zealots dropped everything and went out to preach conversion to the souls they might save since time was running out? How many children will crawl in bed with their parents after having a nightmare about this? How many itching-to-kill hands will take up a weapon and just go on ahead with their homicidal urges. How many survivalists have started burrowing into the earth? How many charismatic colonization's have sparked into lively force? It was after all, at the top of the news hour. How many stayed tuned and listened carefully to the report to learn that we're talking about a possible collision, not a hard fact, and one that won't happen for a projected 38 years if it does at all. But wait, that very asteroid, the intergalactic grim reaper is actually disintegrating into a mass of dust according to one source, but wait, another source vehemently warns that this occurrence is quite definite and scientifically evidenced and supported. So it's a Ping-Pong game with mankind as we know it and our planet is the ball that's about to be stepped on, squashed into little bits. Well it'll be ghastly, just ghastly!

Again my thoughts go out to the many children who might be crying themselves to sleep over this news. I know such things worried me a great deal as a child, like every time my grandmother read a loud the predictions from the leading psychics of The National Enquirer--you know, stuff like, before the end of the year there will be Alien invasion and extermination of our race, our president will be assassinated, world war will erupt and nuclear holocaust is imminent, Liz Taylor will marry again, a virus from Africa will wipe out a major portion of the worlds population, etc. Between the Enquirer's printed lies and sensationalism and the Bible's book of revelations, a simple extra-colorful sunset one evening that seemed a touch redder than usual would have me in hysterics, hiding under my bed not wanting God to end the world, while my siblings would taunt me with cries of, "The Martians are coming!" and my grandmother would cough and rasp with laughter saying, "Praying won't stop God from ending the world, silly," with a Salem 100 dangling from her lips. "Won't stop a bullet from a gun neither, so come on out from under there. Don't be such a 'fraidy cat." She wouldn't just tell me that The Enquirer predictions were a load of hooey though, because they predicted a cure for arthritis and backed up her belief that Walt Disney was still alive through the magic of cryogenics, which she had been telling us for years. "They've got him in there, right inside the Mattehorn."

So, when it comes to this asteroid, 1997XX1, our P.H.O. (potentially hazardous object), try not to be a 'fraidy cat as my grandmother said. In fact, if it helps, put it in terms of Hollywood, for instance, think of the movie Contact and it's suspenseful build up towards Earth's contact with aliens ultimately giving way to sappy over-sentimental"E.T."-esque this-must-be-what-heaven's-like, emotionally manipulative fodder. Yeah, just think of collision with the asteroid simply as another kind of Contact. That helps a lot. Funny how the names this hurtling mass of space material , 1997XX1 and P.H.O., given no doubt by egg-headed astronomers holed up in remote, high- altitude government observatories staring to the heavens like Jodie Foster, actually sound like great working movie titles. Hmmmmm. Does this shed a little light on why Ms. Foster is raising her child as a single parent? Hey, it won't be the first alien impregnation to take place according to The National Enquirer, not to mention The X Files. I noted another curious coincidence regarding P.H.O.s the day before this event was the lead story. I went to the movies the other night and the previews featured a trailer for an upcoming major motion picture release about this very catastrophic occurrence--an asteroid is on a collision course with earth, threatening total destruction and an eight man team of astronauts led by Bruce Willis set out to land on it and detonate it from it's core, the only way to stop it. It is called Armageddon. Whoa! Eerie as it may seem already, it's one of two films soon to be released about the very same thing, something that bizarrely ended up as the lead news story of the day--shock! horror!--only to be discounted or misread shortly after that.

My big question is who really owns The News? Is it Sony or some other major high-tech communications multi-conglomerate? If so, why are they doing things like this to the people of the planet? Box office sales? Was Titanic such a massive colossal success that they had to resort to this kind of manipulation to insure a similar haul at the box office for The Right Stuff-Hard IV or whatever the fuck starring Bruce Willis, a real Hollywood box-office leading man? Are the masses really that susceptible to mind control? Need I remind you of that japanese cartoon that sent hundreds of children into seizure simultaneously with a red flashing light around Christmas time? Heard any follow-ups on that since then?

There I go again, yet another conspiracy theory and I didn't even mean to! They just keep seeping their way into my written work because they seem to be ubiquitous to even the most pedestrian of media inspections My therapist told me that maybe I should try to get out a bit more, away from the television and the wealth of information at my fingertips here at this computer and try to enjoy the simpler good things in life, like the sun, which is out and shining and getting out in it would save me from a syndrome no doubt. He implores, "Lighten up, be free of your worries, just tell yourself all is simply as it seems. Do what you think Nan Parks would do on a sunny day." I stammer back at him, "We're not really sure that Nan Parks exists ya know!" He rolls his eyes and threatens to put me on anti-depressants. I'm out of there.




		San Francisco Bay Times Asteroid I just heard on the news today that there is a great big, I mean huge, asteroid hurtling through the galaxy towards the earth at a rapid rate that could cause massive damage to the planet and it's atmosphere. This threat from outer space could have a catastrophic effect to the planet similar to what supposedly took place 64 million years ago according to the scientifically popular theory called The Big Bang, which killed the dinosaurs and started the ice age, wiping out all forms of life on our happy little orb. This unforeseen enemy from beyond wound up at the top of the news hour on all the major networks, prompting the inhabitants of the world to forget all those other trivial things momentarily, like who sucks Clinton's cock, what really happened in that Paris Tunnel, the global outbreak of TB, the Middle East situation, missing children, Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson, PuertoRico as the 51'st state, Oscar night, the Tobacco Industry, how HMO's are killing people, and whether Ellen will be cancelled or not, and take a look at the bigger picture, the one at the top of the news hour, the issue that takes precedence over all else, and that news is, EXTRA! EXTRA! you are warned by the main authorities that essentially ARMAGEDDON is heading our way at top speed...sort of. How many religious zealots dropped everything and went out to preach conversion to the souls they might save since time was running out? How many children will crawl in bed with their parents after having a nightmare about this? How many itching-to-kill hands will take up a weapon and just go on ahead with their homicidal urges. How many survivalists have started burrowing into the earth? How many charismatic colonization's have sparked into lively force? It was after all, at the top of the news hour. How many stayed tuned and listened carefully to the report to learn that we're talking about a possible collision, not a hard fact, and one that won't happen for a projected 38 years if it does at all. But wait, that very asteroid, the intergalactic grim reaper is actually disintegrating into a mass of dust according to one source, but wait, another source vehemently warns that this occurrence is quite definite and scientifically evidenced and supported. So it's a Ping-Pong game with mankind as we know it and our planet is the ball that's about to be stepped on, squashed into little bits. Well it'll be ghastly, just ghastly! Again my thoughts go out to the many children who might be crying themselves to sleep over this news. I know such things worried me a great deal as a child, like every time my grandmother read a loud the predictions from the leading psychics of The National Enquirer--you know, stuff like, before the end of the year there will be Alien invasion and extermination of our race, our president will be assassinated, world war will erupt and nuclear holocaust is imminent, Liz Taylor will marry again, a virus from Africa will wipe out a major portion of the worlds population, etc. Between the Enquirer's printed lies and sensationalism and the Bible's book of revelations, a simple extra-colorful sunset one evening that seemed a touch redder than usual would have me in hysterics, hiding under my bed not wanting God to end the world, while my siblings would taunt me with cries of, "The Martians are coming!" and my grandmother would cough and rasp with laughter saying, "Praying won't stop God from ending the world, silly," with a Salem 100 dangling from her lips. "Won't stop a bullet from a gun neither, so come on out from under there. Don't be such a 'fraidy cat." She wouldn't just tell me that The Enquirer predictions were a load of hooey though, because they predicted a cure for arthritis and backed up her belief that Walt Disney was still alive through the magic of cryogenics, which she had been telling us for years. "They've got him in there, right inside the Mattehorn." So, when it comes to this asteroid, 1997XX1, our P.H.O. (potentially hazardous object), try not to be a 'fraidy cat as my grandmother said. In fact, if it helps, put it in terms of Hollywood, for instance, think of the movie Contact and it's suspenseful build up towards Earth's contact with aliens ultimately giving way to sappy over-sentimental"E.T."-esque this-must-be-what-heaven's-like, emotionally manipulative fodder. Yeah, just think of collision with the asteroid simply as another kind of Contact. That helps a lot. Funny how the names this hurtling mass of space material , 1997XX1 and P.H.O., given no doubt by egg-headed astronomers holed up in remote, high- altitude government observatories staring to the heavens like Jodie Foster, actually sound like great working movie titles. Hmmmmm. Does this shed a little light on why Ms. Foster is raising her child as a single parent? Hey, it won't be the first alien impregnation to take place according to The National Enquirer, not to mention The X Files. I noted another curious coincidence regarding P.H.O.s the day before this event was the lead story. I went to the movies the other night and the previews featured a trailer for an upcoming major motion picture release about this very catastrophic occurrence--an asteroid is on a collision course with earth, threatening total destruction and an eight man team of astronauts led by Bruce Willis set out to land on it and detonate it from it's core, the only way to stop it. It is called Armageddon. Whoa! Eerie as it may seem already, it's one of two films soon to be released about the very same thing, something that bizarrely ended up as the lead news story of the day--shock! horror!--only to be discounted or misread shortly after that. My big question is who really owns The News? Is it Sony or some other major high-tech communications multi-conglomerate? If so, why are they doing things like this to the people of the planet? Box office sales? Was Titanic such a massive colossal success that they had to resort to this kind of manipulation to insure a similar haul at the box office for The Right Stuff-Hard IV or whatever the fuck starring Bruce Willis, a real Hollywood box-office leading man? Are the masses really that susceptible to mind control? Need I remind you of that japanese cartoon that sent hundreds of children into seizure simultaneously with a red flashing light around Christmas time? Heard any follow-ups on that since then? There I go again, yet another conspiracy theory and I didn't even mean to! They just keep seeping their way into my written work because they seem to be ubiquitous to even the most pedestrian of media inspections My therapist told me that maybe I should try to get out a bit more, away from the television and the wealth of information at my fingertips here at this computer and try to enjoy the simpler good things in life, like the sun, which is out and shining and getting out in it would save me from a syndrome no doubt. He implores, "Lighten up, be free of your worries, just tell yourself all is simply as it seems. Do what you think Nan Parks would do on a sunny day." I stammer back at him, "We're not really sure that Nan Parks exists ya know!" He rolls his eyes and threatens to put me on anti-depressants. I'm out of there.